Rethinking Erica

OCD

I bet none of you headed to the mall today for the same solitary reason that Judah and I did: to ride every elevator available to the patrons of Woodland Hills Mall.

Macy's elevator. Dillard's elevator. Sears' elevator. JC Penney's elevator: let me tell you, elevators are not all the same.  Even Judah declared that the Penney's elevator stunk.  There was also a standout winner:  the one in the middle of the mall that has glass windows, appropriately bequeathed the title of
THE Woodland Hills mall elevator.

are you tired of this elevator list?  not as tired as i am of elevators.
judah is obsessed.  while we walked from each elevator to the next, we had to talk about what was to come.  where was this macy's elevator?  had i ever ridden the penney's elevator?  wasn't the sears' elevator ride fun?
when we are home, judah plays elevator in the closets.  he's improvised a game that can be played with out resources: my legs become the elevator walls.  His latest Doodle Pad drawing? He hands the Pad over to me and tells me to draw an elevator.  then to add a baby in it.  then to get the baby out of the elevator, so it could push the buttons.  then he was mad because my particular baby, the one I drew, wasn't nearly tall enough to push the buttons.
and when we're going over the alphabet's sounds, we  have to rush to e.  "E" "eh, eh,eh...ELevator!"
seriously, i have had enough.

Luisa

Luisa Beccaria makes the clothes for my other life: the one where i get dressed for dinner at seven, make the procession in Rome's streets to my restaurant du jour, where i drink wine and look at all my fabulous neighbors.

today, i would wear t his:

For you:

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Khalil Gibran—The Prophet   

    

    

    

Failures of Imagination

Chapter One:

the whole of it is beyond you. you have not the ears nor the eyes to grasp it;

you do not perceive.  it is not made known to you.

from you some things are secret~

like moses kept

and jesus kept

a secret kept is power.

Chapter Two:

i hold as sacred the tissue you bruised.

the blood you drew belonged to me, is more to me than my own blood. 

you use my name in vain.

december 8th

1. you hold on by the smallest most elegant little thread of thought, the one that whispers that we are improbable, that we are all improbable and i watch you dangle. i see you struggle.  i see the abyss below you and i know. i know that feeling.
since i am not also on that thread, should you fall you will fall alone into that black.  but you will take with you my heart and i will walk the earth missing it. missing you.
it wasn't a thought for me, my sweet.  it was the petals of a tulip that i could not deny.  i couldn't deny that they mean beauty and life cannot be denied.  so i remembered and could not forget life.

i see you before me, young like that flower, making me promises at eight in the evening and i feel the words i spoke to you then are for now.

i will remember you.  i will remember who you are today, what i see in you.

and i remember
and i remember you to you
and i tell you that you cannot deny
that we are impossible
we are improbable
and we still are
still we are
us

This chapter

this chapter, dearests, is almost over.
and it hasn't been the kind of reading I would write, the kind of story I would like to tell, and it Most definitely hasn't been the narrative i want to be Protagonist for... but
well
i guess that will be motivation to make the next chapter different.

I will soon be starting a new, not necessarily improved, blog. 
improvement isn't the point, but it will be anonymous. not so, um, eponymous. 
that was my first time using that word.
how'd i do?

it will be secret.  so if i know your email address, i'll be emailing you with the new address.
and if not...
well. write me.

i did the thing

i would not do for ages.  at first, i know i did not do it because i could not bear the consequences.  even when it was time for me to do it, i still did not, because i did not have the internal resources.  and i still didn't want to live with the consequences.
When i was twenty and two, I dared to do it. but i failed.  i thought i could live with the aftermath, but it threatened to destroy me and i reconsidered.  i felt regret, though i should not have.
now that i am twenty-eight, i am my own.  i listen to me. i say what i think.  i stand up for myself-my heart.  i may be right.  i certainly will sometimes be wrong.  but i will make my own mistakes and I will succeed at what i really want.
my own life.
i believe in myself.  and i have let the most important person know that-  me.  you were just there to overhear it.

2nd Post Today!!!! 100 things:

1.  I was in a singing group in college (harvesters) which had its roots in, gag, Southern Gospel. 
2.  I went to Bible College and thought, for a good long while, that I would be some sort of missionary.
3.  I am the elder daughter of two (functionally) eldest children: we are all overbearing.
4.  I was born on my grandmother's birthday- March 13th, which she said would happen.
5.  During the hardest times of my life, i miss that grandmother, though she died when i was only six.
6.  She died on Easter Sunday.  i miss her right now.
7. My mom spent a lot of time praying that i would have lots of thick black hair.  i do.
you can say it's genetics, but my sister has lots of thin brown hair.
8.  i don't get hot or cold easily. the word homeostasis always comes to my mind when i think about this.
9.  when i do get hot or cold it is EXTREMELY annoying to me and I will whine about it like a child.
10.  My whining rarely goes over well.  i don't get away with it.  maybe it's because i am 5'8" and too big to whine.
11.  i am 5'7  & 1/2.   but i like to round up.
12.  My husband is probably 5'8 &1/2 and he likes to round up too.
13.   He was about 5'7" when i met him- at 17 years old.
14.  i was a 19  year old woman at the time.
15.  i felt both too old and too big for him.
16.  when i met Chris, all my platonic boyfriends and my dad objected to him.
17.  He won over most of the platonic boyfriends,\
18. but not my dad.
19. i still make platonic boyfriends relatively easily.
20. i am working on that.
21.  I have one sister, who is my opposite, but we totally love each other.
22. though sometimes it feels impossible to get along with each other.
23. we also deeply understand each other.
24.  She is 5'2" so she always feels like my "little sister"
25. i hope that isn't offensive to anyone.
26.  she has perfect skin and i have adult acne.
27. bitch!
28. I have one son, Judah, who is three now. 
29.  He is a very big kid.  he's usually 90-95% on height
30. at 47 lbs, he is 99% on weight.
31.  his doctor wants him taken off of all juices.
32. i LOVE*LOVE*LOVE orange juice.
33.  I also LOVE milk.
34. i pretty much think Breakfast is awesome.
35.  my favorite meal of the day, for sure.
36. i genuinely like oatmeal, cream of wheat, and yogurt.
37.  but i live in south texas, where breakfast tacos reign supreme,
38. i am but their loyal subject.
39. judah loves tacos for any meal, and will eat three if i let him.
40. i try not to let him do that, since most of the time, i only eat two.
41.  He's not fat, so save your advice or i promise to cuss at you.
42.  even if he were fat, i wouldn't let anyone give me shit about it.
43.  i started cussing at age 23.  before that, i thought it was a sin.
44. i do it anytime i feel the slightest inclination to.
45. freedom in christ sounds like the f-bomb for me.
46.  i don't think Jesus cares if i say the word fuck.
47. seriously, i am sure he has other things to worry about.
48. judah's preschool teachers told him, in front of me, that Judah makes Jesus sad when he disobeys.
49.  that better not be the case, cause Jesus would be really really depressed if he were sad at every instance a toddler disobeys his mother.
50. organized religion encourages irrational thought and behavior.
51. i don't go to church anywhere right now, and haven't for the last six months.
52.  i think this is best for me.
53.  i grew up Pentecostal.  i made the trek from that into the Episcopal church.
54.  i loved the rector there.
55. but not his name. chuck.  i can't deal with that name.
56. i first visited the church for a harpsichord concert. cause that is how i roll.
57. i was overcome by the church's beauty at night by candlelight.
58.  and i have ever since respected the place of aesthetics in promoting well-being.
59. but not feng-shui.
60.  because i resist anything wildly popular.
61.  i won't read a book , watch a movie, or listen to an artist if that product is already oversold.
62.  not sure why.
63.  i love jazz.  in particular the kind of jazz that informs Patrick Cornelius' playing.
64.  i went to highschool with him and i am both proud of him, and hope wild success for him.
65.  we were only friendly acquaintances.
66. all my dreams have always been in foreign landscapes.
67. i have been to: Italy, England, Mexico and Kenya.
68.  kenya shocked me with its beauty.
69. rome stole my heart.
70. i have visited New York and lived in the Chicago suburbs.
71. i prefer New York.
72. i remember safari in technicolor.
73. While i was in Africa, Chris was buying me a fantastic engagement ring.
74.  it is one carat-- it is fantastic because it perfectly suits me.
75.  i am lucky enough to know that it's kimberly certified.
76.  so i can worship it without reservation.
77.  i am not really a jewelry person, so i am not sure why i love to stare at my engagement ring.
78.  I realized i loved Chris while we were watching Life Is Beautiful- i knew i couldn't let him go into a concentration camp alone.
79.  our lives together have been for worse, not for better.  everyone says for better, for worse, but we're all thinking it will be for better and best.
80.  my undergrad was in psychology,  i would have gotten my master's in therapy but i had a nervous breakdown during my senior year of college. 
81.  i thought that disqualified me
82.  i always use psychology.  i am always using it, just not professionally.
83. that may change one day.
84. I have an Amazing therapist.
85.  he says i am in adolescence.
86. it is embarrassing, but true and not my fault. or so my therapist says.
87.  i put a lot of stock in what a few important others say.
88.  Paul, Aola, Anj, Jen Lemen, Coco, Alex, Chris
89. and my dad
90.  i don't put nearly enough stock in what I say.
91.  When i look at Judah, i always feel like i am not giving him enough.
92.  I want to live in London at some point.
93.  maybe if i get a ph.D i can get it there.
94. i am a sensual person.  i love ambient music, rain, candles.
95.  I have been told i am smart all my life.
96.  i am not sure how thoroughly i believe that.
97. today it seems to me i don't believe it at all.
98.  my favorite heroines are Anne Shirley and Elizabeth Bennett
99.  my favorite food is Pasta, preferable involving pesto.
100. in five years, i hope to still be married to Chris, have another baby, be nearly done with either a ph.D or a MFT, and living in New York.

Vegas Baby

Yesterday at lunch Judah happened upon one of those cardboard boxes with the pen and entry forms attached to it.  This particular box invited Judah to become part of the restaurant's Birthday Club-- free meal, I would guess. Judah dutifully took the pen in hand, scribbled on the form, and made me stick the paper in the slot.  He always enters the CardBoard Box Contests.

I got to thinking about my little person.  Judah isn't a cynic like me, not yet at least.  When we go to Double Dave's Pizza, he makes me spend money on all the games.   Recently, he forced me to play the crane game, this particular crane lowered into a sea of bitty-sized balls.  I had to admit the ball sizes were perfect for Judah and I couldn't get him to understand that These Types of Games are Gimmicks, and that he had absolutely no chance of winning a ball from that machine.

$1.00 later:  we were the proud owners of a yellow Simpsons ball.

I was shocked that we won.  Judah didn't seem shocked.  Pleased, but not shocked.

Watching Judah submit entry forms for a free year's membership at Bally's is forcing me to confront myself, a loser because I refuse to gamble anything if I am not sure I will win.

In my quest to create a new life for myself, one thing has been embarrassingly hard- to apply for a new, good job.  I have all my life applied for jobs I am ridiculously overqualified for.  I now see that as an attempt to better my chances, because I usually feel they are dismal.   Life feels for me like a crane game, and my tokens are precious reserves of hope.  I don't want to risk too much hope on a Machine that doesn't care who i am or what I need or want.  Life, for me, life outside, the Real World, is rigged against me.

So, my next steps are to, in some way,  fill out an entry form for the Universe.  My name on the line, my address.  I mean to let Life know that I want to win something, Something Right for me. 

I want my yellow Simpsons ball.

It is raining

and i am trying to throw a parade.

this month is, by own design and plans, the most important month on my Quest for an Independent Existence and it sometimes feels part Exodus (think red sea) and part parade.  either way there is travel involved and the obstacles seem to line up.

today i rear-ended someone, causing no damage to their car but plenty to mine.  this means our savings is about to be pillaged because of My Stupid Mistake and i'm sad about it. 
and it may mean that I ask for help and i know that sometimes that is a very good thing, but other times i sincerely believe that my main challenge is seeing myself as capable of taking care of myself and mine. 

today i feel incapable.  a rather direct friend plainly says that this situation may be one in which i simply fulfill my own "prophecy."
is this vague?  or does everyone sometimes feel this? 
do you ever mess up and feel totally helpless and stupid?